This is pretty much dedicated, I'm sick of the shit, I'm sick of the life, I'm sick of everything you've never given me.


I tell you I hate you, and its not sugarcoated at all, I mean everything I say. When I turn 18, I don't want to talk to you ever again, and I've also told you that plenty of times. 

You've never done anything for me but make my life miserable. No one can possibly understand why I have this much resentment towards you, except for you, but instead of realizing, you live in denial. You're the laziest person, you do nothing but work and complain, and go out. How about cleaning your fucking house? Instead of sitting around complaining about it. Get up and do something, and just shut your mouth.

You say I'm impossible to have a conversation with, thats because you never try and talk to me, except when its conveinant for you. I don't want to talk to you, I have no desire to talk to you, or even be around you. You don't know me at all, and thats sad. 

But congratulations. You're not alone anymore. You have someone to keep you company. You have someone to love. But when I can, I'm leaving, and you're losing a daughter, because you never seemed like a mother to begin with.


This isn't a kid ranting because OMG MY MOM MAKES RULEZ AND IT SUX. No, its because she's never done anything significant for me. Ever, in my life. I don't have any rules I need to follow. My mom hasn't made rules since I was 13 years old. It's the fact she's not even a mother. My grandma is more of a mother to me. I'm sick of the constant bring me downs, not just from her, but from her asshole face husband, and everything thats happened in the past. I haven't forgotten. I never will forget. I lost all respect for her. And I can honestly say, I don't like her one bit. I'd say I hate her, but that's probably frowned upon.

She had her choice, and she made that choice. So congratulations "Mom" I hope you're happy.

... and you wonder why I'm so fucked up.

"I gave up on you along time ago, how can you blame me?
You've been there for me one time in my life, but it didn't matter." - Alkaline Trio, Hell Yes.

Then there was always that other song:

"You said we were an accident
With accidents you’ll never know what could have been
So we were an accident
You’ll always be my favorite one" - Motion City Soundtrack, My Favorite Accident.

Those were 2 songs for 3 years, we used as our own. Now for 3 years, 3 goddamn years, I wasted my life away. I mean that in no disrespect at all, but you never did see things from my point of view. 

You're probably wondering the point of this whole thing, well its simple. We've been broken up now for a year and some now, and there's a lot I've wanted to say, but haven't. Don't ever think I want you back, because I don't. I'm the one that ended things, and I did it all for a reason. It's just certain things you do now a days, that make me hate you, and hate you even more, than I do already.

For instance, Ever since we broke up for the final time. You'd break off contact for months, then out of the blue you'd call, or I'd get a text. I'm not a bitch, and I told you I'd always be there for you, since I know and you know, I'm the only person that understands you, I'd respond to the text, or answer the phone call. Everytime, it was never to just talk. I mean yes, you did have a problem, or I would call you when I needed to talk about something, but at the end of the conversation, you'd ask me; "Be my girl."

Why? Why? Why? See, at first when you started pulling all this, I fell for it because I still loved you. But I'm a different person than I was then. I grew up. You just think you can do this, and you think it's acceptable. For 3 years, you treated me like shit, always made me feel like I was in the wrong. You lied to me, and cheated on me. Still acted like everything was okay. I'm probably making you sound like a bad guy here, which you aren't completely. Because still to this day, no one has made me feel like you did. You were the only person that ever believed in my off the wall, unrealistic dreams. You never, NEVER, doubted me. You told me I could do anything I wanted to. You loved hearing me ramble on and on about things that didn't matter, I guess you just appreciated me. Behind the lies, fights, and cheating, deep down I know you did care. When I started my whole drinking rant, in 2005. You were so disappointed, you stopped talking to me, told me, "Jes, I don't want you to end up like me." I hated you so much, I wanted to do what I could to hurt you, I guess as pay back, but it only lowered me to your level. I hate myself for that.

I've tried to be your friend, but you always said, "How can we be friends, when we weren't friends to begin with." I want you to be happy, I hope you find a girl that treats you good, and for once you can just be honest and loyal too. I wish you only the best in life. But you need to understand the way for you to be happy, isn't with me. A person can't make you happy, you have to be happy with yourself first. And, Jon, you hate yourself. How can you expect to be happy with another person? I've moved on with my life, and whether or not you consider me a friend or an ex. I consider you a friend. I want you too be happy, I want you to move on. It's been a year and a half, grow up.

The whole thing that started me on this rant today, was a conversation with you through text. Once again, you asking me, "Be my girl." I responded with, "We're not ever going to be together, J." 

If you'd like to read the whole conversation, here you go;

Jon: Ryan Reynolds is very attractive man, but you're jailbate, lol.
Me: Lol yeah, but a girl can dream right?
Jon: Dreams don't come true.
Me: Yeah they do. You used to have a lot of dreams. They didn't come true because you gave up.
Jon: Fuck you, I didn't give up on shit!
Me: I'm not going to argue, take care.
Jon: Be my girl
Me: Wtf, we're not ever going to be together, J.
Jon: Who's given up now.
Me: Its not that I've given up... It's that I've grown up. You're still trying to have something that you know isn't there anymore. 
Jon: My feelings for you haven't changed.
Me: Then you're a magnificent liar, contradiction at best.
Jon: I say a lot of shit just like you. You know damn well it hasn't changed for you either.
Me: But for me it has changed. I don't want to be with you, J. I have other things to worry about now.
Jon: Whatever, I've said my peace.

That's where it ended. I don't know how many times I have to say, I dont want to be with him anymore. He knows I'm in a relationship, and at times he'll wish me the best, and I do the same for him. But when does it end? When does a guy thats 3 years older than me, grow up? Some people ask me why I even talk to him anymore. Truth is, we don't talk much, maybe once or twice every 2 months for about 10 minutes if that. I never want to be with him again, he made me feel like shit for 3 years, I'm sick of the fights I'm sick of getting yelled at for things I didn't do. I don't want that, and I haven't had that since him. I have more respect for myself now. I will never with him, or anyone like him ever again. I guess the solution to this problem would be to break off all contact, but he's a step away from dead, and I just can't do that. I'm his friend, I want to be there for him, I want him to be happy, and I'll help him along the way to find that.  According to someone, they said, it's in our nature to doubt people. Well, I've never doubted anyone in my life, because I would never want someone doubting me. I won't give up on Jon, even if people think he's a lost cause. 

I guess I've said all I needed to say about that.







On a good note, I've got my Best Friend back. He's back home for Summer, then he'll be gone again to change some more at Edinboro. =/ Blah, I don't know. I hope we can just have a Summer just like all the rest. 


Well I'm out. 


<3 nick.

The whole point of this "blog" isn't to bash Dateline's, To Catch a Predator on NBC. It's to point out the form of entrapment they're using, the approach they're using, and to show how it's wrong. 




The following 3 opinions made, are from Msnnbc.msn.com under, 'To Catch a Predator.' These opinions were sent in by people, who see things the way I see them;


"Dateline you are taking advantage of the male mindset. You are trapping an animal acting on basic instincts that would have otherwise not have been tempted. I think you pull some respectful people who would otherwise be innocent into traps. Words are powerful: online as well as in the context of persuasion. Some of your so called preditors are victims of a very persuasive person that does not represent reality. It is this false reality that makes criminals of us all. We should all be ashamed of what we have become. --Jordan Stout, Poulsbo, Wash.

People are pointing fingers, but the truth is these teens are making conscious decisions. I mean, come on, how stupid do you have to be to but your address up on one of these sites, and why would you post provocative pictures? You are only inviting them. Adults act as if its all the predator's fault. Boohoo! Your child was stupid enough to release information about themselves and not even think about the consequences. I have a profile on MySpace, but I also think its overrated. Believe me, I've been there in a hotel room at a school function while girls from my group are taking wild pictures to look sexy, For Myspace!! How foolish. Very few things told to a human affects them, and do you really think half of your children are going to listen to you? They only care about the way other people look at them. --Paula, a small town, Texas

It might pass the "entrapment" test, but to the best of my knowledge this is not a country that acts on what MIGHT happen. There was no underage child in the house, and no contact whatsoever was made between the "predator" and the fantasy "victim". As much as I despise that pedophiles exist, the laws of this country are not there to assume what might take place. Even people who attempt to hire hitmen to murder someone can't be touched until the money exchanges hands. I only watched the second half of this latest sting operation, and none of the previous shows on the subject. I'm not sure which part of the broadcast is the hardest for me to handle: the creeps who enter the house or the thought that we will soon be held criminally responsible for what someone, anyone, decides we might do one day. --Rosann J., Bellevue, Wa."


I'm actually happy that people can see things the way I see them. They're using people in their 20's and 30's to go into these chatrooms. Having them pretend to be 12 and/or 13 years old. Having them in these chatrooms to be used as bait for older men. When realistically they're going into these chatrooms, and going after these guys, these 'so called Predators' first. Just stringing these guys along, leading these guys on.

When Chris Hansen reads some of the conversations while their in the kitchen, and he's basically getting a thrill over interviewing this poor guy. Just listen, most of the time the girl is edging the guy on, asking him questions... questions a REAL 12 or 13 year old kid wouldn't ask. If you're 12 or 13, and especially a female, gauranteed the last thing on the childs mind is meeting up with a 40 year old man. And if a 40 year old was to contact this girl in a chatroom, she would most likely block him, and or tell him to get lost once she found out his age. I'm almost certain when I say this, there is way in hell a 13 year old would sit there and ask questions about a mans penis, there is no way in hell she would ask him to meet up.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying some of these guys don't deserve the punishment they're going to receive for being trapped in the scenario that these "underage" girls put them in. Because their are some sick people out there, for the truely sick people that would prey on little girls, deserve the worst there is to receive. All I'm saying is, the majority of Men that arrived to the surveilence house, it was their offence. Now, if that doesn't say something, I don't know what does. These innocent men are having their lives, and careers ruined all because these fake 12 and 13 year old girls lead them on to believe they would do something sexual. When in actuality 12 and 13 year olds know nothing about sex, which  makes this whole situation even more unrealistic. Yes, It's wrong on the Mans part for even showing up, and for not having the power to say "No." when the underage girl asks if they can meet. But if you're going to have a little girl talking about sex, something the Male mind cannot resist, how can he possibly say no?

There's a difference between Fantasy and Reality, most of these men are married and have children of their own. They're on the internet strictly to fullfill a Fantasy. A Fantasy they'd rather just talk about, than actually make a reality. But these poor guys that were just online trying to have a Fantasy particially fullfilled, ended up being tricked into something way more. These people pretending to be 12 and 13 years old, sitting there talking to these men about sex, then suggesting to meet. In some of the conversations, a few of these guys actually mentioned and joked about these so called underage girls possibly being a Cop. It's not like these Men are stupid, it's not like they weren't cautious because it's very obvious that they were. Its not even that these men suggested first that they meet, it was all on the "underage" girls part, which once again is unrealistic. 

This show is wasting time, on catching guys who know that even attempting to meet an underage girl is wrong. Wasting time, on Men who's head was messed with in order to get them to the house in the first place. Wasting time on innocent people, who under different circumstances wouldn't of ever done such a thing. These Men had both heads, and their emotions toyed around with, and these "underage" girls made them think that maybe, just maybe... that their Fantasy could be reality.  

I dislike the show, and think that they should be out there actually trying to catch the REAL Predators. The men that are kidnapping actual underage girls and boys. The men that are getting away with Rape and Murder, those are the guys that need to be captured and sent to Prison. Not the Highschool Teacher, with a Wife and Children that suddenly has his whole life at steak just because a fake underage girl told him if he met her, she'd suck his cock. 





Note;

To parents of young Girls and Boys that fear something like this may happen to your child. If they have a Myspace, just make sure the settings are set to Private, Myspace's private settings make it so that if your child is under 18, anyone over 18 cannot see your childs Myspace to begin with. Myspace is not to blame for all the Kidnapping's and Rapings, its the fault of the User. If your child is dumb enough to post all of their information on an INTERNET page, hate to say it but they have it coming. If your child is dumb enough to post where they work, what school their attending, once again... they have it coming. The Predators aren't all the blame, the stupidity of kids not using the internet properly also play a part. Unless you're safe about it, don't think it can't happen to you.





I'm done now.

So, this is the second night in a row that I've been awake all night. Oh, how I miss it. I've actually been writing, and I feel great. I feel amazing. Like I said in the last entry, I'm happy.

Today, Nick and I have been together for 3 weeks. I'm sure whoever is reading this, its nothing special. But it's the small things make me smile. I like being with him, he makes me happy. When I'm having a bad day, he cheers me up, and lately I've needed that with all the things that are. going wrong with School. He's different from any other guy I've dated. We've never faught about anything, or had an arguement, really. We laugh about the same things, and are both easy to please. We can actually just lay in bed and talk about random things. We're comfortable around each other. He's a huge dork, and I wouldn't have him any other way. He's amaze-za-zing. =)

It's 4:41am right now. I'm a little bored, but not really. At this point in time, I'm just debating on whether or not I should go to school today. I'm not tired, but I know once I get to School and start staring at the computer, my eyes will get heavy, and all I will want to do is go to sleep. So, basically I'm thinking if its worth it. If I go to bed within the next hour or so, I should be awake by noon. Then I'd still have the whole day to do whatever I want. If I go to school, I'll get home at 11am, and be asleep by 11:10am.... wouldn't wake up til 4pm and my day will be gone. Ah, I have such a hard decisions to make in my life. Almost as hard as choosing which cereal to eat, you know... Fruity Pebbles, or Lucky Charms. Tell me that's not a hard decision, because they're both so delicious. 

I'm rambling now, probably not making any sense, so I'm just going to go. 


BEE TEE DOUBLE YOU;;                                      (btw)


Sleep > School



Night.

Lately, hmm. Lately, I can really almost say I'm happy.


I've been having some major, and when I say major I mean MAJOR, problems with school. But it's really no surprise to me, I've never had the greatest luck with school to begin with. Long story, short.... I'm not graduating this year. Thomas Jefferson Highschool decided to up their credit amount needed to graduate, from 22.25 to 24.25. So, yeah P4LC will be seeing some more of me next year. I'm sure their almost as excited as I am. 

Lately, I've really been thinking about my future, and how everyone really doubts me. Some people feed off doubt, but doubt really actually does bring me down. I mean I guess I really don't help my case, and theres no reason people shouldn't doubt me. Because if you think about it, what am I actually doing with my life, you know? I go to Phase 4, I don't have a job. But really those two things aren't my fault. If I could get back into a normal highschool I would in a second. I apply to places, and they never call me back. That's not my fault. I wish I had a job right now, I like having money of my own, and I like being busy. I like it when my lifes on track. 

Monday, Mrs. Rhonda sat me down to talk about the "bitching Patrick out" incident. I told her my side of the story, and she basically sided with me. She started asking me what I was going to do once I graduate, and I told her I don't know. I always dreamed of going to a good University for Journalism. But as I get older, I don't see that happening at all. I'm a great writer, but when it comes down to it. Schools will look at my transcript, see Phase 4 Learning Center as the school I graduated from, and they will laugh. They will laugh and simply reject me. ... And let me just say this, nobody likes rejection.

I remember, Brendan telling me that Edinboro has a really good Journalism Program, but after seeing how that school changed him, I'm really not interested. Maybe, I'm just foolish for thinking about all of this now... but what I do know, is I need to get my shit together, fast.  I'm pretty sure, the start of getting my shit together will be finding a job, which I'm already doing. But that whole process isn't really going my way. I refuse to work at Mcdonalds, so I just need to continue looking until I actually get hired somewhere. I also need to start getting my ass to School everyday, seeing as I have more credits now that TJ decided to be douche bags. 

 Something that's bothering me though, and maybe its just me. But it seems like all of my friendships are falling apart. Not like, me personally really, but for instance; Jessa and Kassie. Always so much drama between those two. Jessa always does something to Kassie, then next thing you know, Kassie wants to beat her up. What the fuck is that? Jessa, Kassie, Lindz and Me have been bestfriends for how long? Now Kassie wants to fight Jess over a stupid guy? Please.  Its not even worth it. Your friends should always come first, if there's a problem... talk it out. Don't start throwing out insults to a person thats been there for you, for so long. Then Lindz, I just feel like Lindz won't even talk to me anymore. Which sucks, but what can you do, right? Then Brendan, whose changed a ridiculous amount ever since he started going to Edinboro, I really don't even know who he is anymore. Justin, I don't even know what Justin's doing, I barely talk to him anymore. It's just like everyone that was once there, isn't anymore. Everyones changing, and it sucks. I'm almost certain, I'm the only one that hasn't changed one bit for the worst. I'm me, I've always been me, and I think I'm pretty damn amazing. I won't ever change for anyone, because I have nothing wrong with me. I'm a great friend, I'm a great girlfriend. I'm honest. I tell it like it is. I'm funny. I'm smart, I think those are amazing qualities.... hence me being amazing.

But like I said, I'm happy right now. For once in my life, I am actually happy. I'm figuring out what I want to make of my life, and my future. I'm getting my shit together. If I keep it up, I can just see things falling into place. Sometimes I stress myself out too much, basically over nothing. I should probably stop that, because my life really isn't that bad. But all in all, I'm happy. I have a great boyfriend, I have great friends (when they want be.) I'm just great right now, and that's something I wouldn't change for anything.


I've never lived with regrets.
& and I don't  plan on living with any, anytime soon. 
My life is good, and I'm happy for the first time in years.